I hate being babied! [Sometimes]

I am so frustrated and angry right now. Yes, I KNOW i wrote a post a while back that I won’t be blogging but this place is for me to rant and rave and I needed to turn somewhere. My other blogs are far too serious.

Right. I hate it. Absolutely freaking hate it sometimes. I dislike having a stupid 9:30/10:00pm curfew [Can't believe I'm admitting this on here...] and it runs in the family. My Dads policy: no matter how old you get, if you’re living under him and you’re his daughter, you have to come home under a certain time. So yes, my 33 year old sister STILL has a curfew when she is over and shes married!

To a point I can understand, they’re our Parents, girls aren’t supposed to be out so late and they’re also pretty accomodating sometimes when they know its a wedding or whatever, but sometimes it just irritates me when I’m out somewhere and it gets lates and the calls start coming in.  Not to mention, it’s highly embarrasing when you need to accounce in between people that you need to LEAVE because its getting late and you have a curfew.

I know for a record its not about trust, my Parents know I won’t be out doing anything wrong, like walking into a club or going out on a date with some guy. In fact, I’m more strict about things like religion then they are. No, the problem is safety issues and no matter how many times I tell my Parents its absolutely safe, even after dark their curfew alarm doesn’t stop blinking.

I mean, I even wear a darned Niqaab when I go out! If that isn’t an armour on its own I don’t know what is.

Usually I’m the most chilled person about this, I’m back home on time and all that jazz, but sometimes its so freaking frustrating when you’re out somewhere doing some  social work or wherever and it gets late. I’ve been volunteering recently to sort out donations for SWAT somewhere over here, and sometimes it gets late.[ The other day i came home at 11 pm] So that day they were cool about it as I’d called and explained that things were being shipped off and we needed to work till late.

But today was an absolute disaster. Something or the other turned up and I couldn’t go and help put. I’m very passionate about these things, not to mention I’d told people there I’d be turning up today to help out as shipments were being transferred.

Anyway, finally, the car comes at 8pm. But lo and behold! My Mom throws a fit out me driving at 8pm. She goes and tells my Dad and I’m told not to go. I don’t understand why my Mom doesn’t still trust my driving… She thinks I’ll crash everytime I drive just because I got my license recently. In fact she still hasn’t sat in the car with me yet.

I want to bang something. Literally. Or shoot someone.

It sucks being the youngest sometimes. Because no matter how old you grow, you’re still the baby.

On a totally random note, I absolutely love the respect you get from Muslim Men if you wear Hijab or Niqaab. Totally makes my heart smile. [Not to mention that it sprouts fear in in their hearts and makes them uncomfortable, mwaha]. I’ve been working with a couple of your average decent Muslim Guys for the past few days, packing and sorting things and I’m the only Niqabi there. Some of them won’t even look me in the eye for more than two minutes, I think the Niqaab automatically makes them look somewhere else, which although is a bit funny makes me think it’s utterly adorable. And obviously I’m given a wide berth should I walk into any place.

And then you have those rare cases who are actually interested in you regardless of the fact that they can only see your eyes, hands and hear your voice, and although they do it respectfully and indirectly, they don’t fail in professing their ‘interest’. Hopefully I won’t be having to deal with anything ’serious’ by the time this campaign is over. It’ll just make things horribly awkard. Ahem.

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Follow Your Heart

A content heart is hard to come by. We, the human species are extremely ungrateful and almost never satisfied. But sometimes, one will feel this satisfaction of the heart with Imaan. And it is profoundly beautiful. So beautiful, that the reality could be the worst possible scenario, but your imaan filled content heart will make it seem easy.

I’ve felt this sweetness of Imaan in my heart. And once an individual feels it, they fall in love with it. What made the companions of the Prophet sallalahu alayhi wasallam so strong and steadfast one might wonder? What made them sacrifice so much for the sake of Allah? It is this same imaan.

The Scholars of Islam say Imaan fluctuates. And this is the truth, you’ll notice, your Imaan will never stay the same. It will either go up or down or only stay the same for short periods of time. This is the will of Allah. A person must stay in a constant struggle to keep their Imaan tank full.

There are various things that make ones Imaan fall. Sins, actions which go against the shariah, your environment, circumstances, it could be anything. With me, the minute my imaan is on a low-down I can feel it and sometimes, I know the reasons behind it.

I’ve been so stressed for the past month or so and my Imaan wasn’t exactly anywhere where I’d once had it. I’d mentioned previously on my blog that I had a very good Job offer from somewhere and I was considering it. This consideration literally made me go crazy. The reason was because, at the beginning of the year, I’d made the intention of dedicating this year to doing nothing but study the deen – to gain knowledge and to study, learn and implement the Qurán. I’d signed up for a one and a half year Quran course and I was in my second month of it when I got this Job offer.

And I considered it. Maybe it was a test from Allah, but it was amazing how this particular job was exactly tailored around my needs and wants. It was my perfect place to work. A nice environment, a field which I’m involved in, a position in the government, and they were absolutely okay about any sort of strict shariah pardah – it was amazing. But the only thing was, it was clashing badly with my Qurán classes. The timings were nearly the same.

I felt a mountain load on my chest for the past month or so not knowing what decision I should make. I made myself believe I could do both, Qurán and work. I would do the Qurán as correspondence, there was an option about that and I could work at the same time.

But I’d been doing isitkhaarah, and even later on, I just felt so stressed about the whole issue, I didn’t know why but my heart was not content. It kept on telling me something was wrong. I guess I knew I couldn’t handle it, that this was the wrong thing for me to do.

And so… after agonising over it for nearly a month and loosing sleep over what to do, I finally made the decision today. I wasn’t going to take up this job offer. It felt so good, subhanAllah. My heart felt so light after I thought it through. I felt such immense peace and a feeling of being content.

I called up my Mom and Sister [Who are still in Pakistan] today and I spoke to them again for a second opinion. And alhamdulilah, they were supportive of the decision I wanted to make. I opted out. I felt so good. As if a huge burden was lifted of my chest, I wanted to cry with happiness after I made the decision.

Falsa e-mailed me this hadith sometime back, and I remembered it again when going through this time of ‘thinking over’.

Wabisah bin Ma`bad (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: I went to Messenger of Allah (PBUH) and he asked me, “Have you come to inquire about piety?” I replied in the affirmative. Then he said, “Ask your heart regarding it. Piety is that which contents the soul and comforts the heart, and sin is that which causes doubts and perturbs the heart, even if people pronounce it lawful and give you verdicts on such matters again and
again.” [Ahmad and Ad-Darmi].

Sometimes, at the back of our heads, in our hearts, we know what is right. Our heart is there to guide us, to tell us what is wrong and right. Especially when it comes to matters of religion, but we’re stubborn. We think we know whats right. And Shaytan is always there to increase that stubbornness.

Alhamdulilah, I’m so happy now.

Bloggers Meet & Other stuff

So I met a couple of  Karachiite bloggers last night, it was fun. The details are at Karachiwalis blog post.

And so are my comments/impressions, etc.

My Cough/Cold seems to be getting worse by the day, and now to top it all I’m down with fever, again. Usually I’m not so bothered when I get a cold/cough, but this time its gone on for about half a month and I’m on vacation right now, so I really don’t want to stay ill. And if I get too ill, I tend to faint. I’ve gotten all my check-ups done but no one can figure out why I faint if I get ill. All the fluids in my body are normal and no, I’m not anemic. [The first time it happened was in a market here in Karachi a couple of years back.  Oh the embarrassment!]

My seats get extended… again. Sigh. First it was the 16th, then it became the 18th and now it’s either 20th or 21st of December. I’m traveling with my Dad and he wants to stay a little longer. I don’t actually mind staying longer [I'm not bored of Karachi as yet besides, I still need to shop and eat out], but I have important things to sort out back home.

Besides that, the dawats here seem to be never-ending. Karachites are very social. We have one to go today, and another one to go to tomorrow. I’m not exactly looking forward to the one tomorrow. It’s at my Sisters in-laws, and apparently my Sisters husbands brothers Wife was desperately trying to hook me up with her brother.

Sigh. Talk about being awkard. I really hope hes not there. I usually use the ‘I’m so religious that I’m an extremist’ appearance/excuse to put off un-wanted potentials but turns out, he’s religious too!

PS- Mad props to Muntadar Al Zaidi for throwing shoes at Bush! He’s made history and according to a lot of people, done what other Muslim Leaders should’ve done long time ago.

Complaints

I’ve realised I come here to blog mostly when I’m either going through stressful problems or in the mood to write little fictional/not-so-fictional pretty extracts. But, in my defense, I usually do go through normal phases of life too.

I’m so stressed out with everything right now. I have to make so many decision and I really hope that the decisions I make are the right ones. Sometimes, your life is so stable, steady and easy while at other times its a wild jungle.

I don’t know what’s happening about going to Karachi, we can’t find seats because all the flights are jam packed but my Cousin who is currently in Canada knows someone and is trying to get them done. I don’t know how he, living all the way there is going to do it, but I guess I’ll have to trust him because he is known to be resourceful. We’re going to be having a little re-union this Eid I think, considering all my aunts and uncles from Canada are also going to be coming, it’ll be fun, spending Eid together with the Cousins.

But I’m stressed [again] about going, finding seats back on time are going to be a hassle, I can only stay till 16-17th of december max because I need to be back and we can’t find seats later then the 20th. And then I’m also tempted to stay longer because my Mom and Sisters are planning to stay till the 25th of december. Gah. My neice and nephew and sister will be coming down from Isloo if we decide to go this Eid, and lets just I’m really longing to see them.

Not to mention, the current ‘halaat’ about Karachi, we keep on hearing things about people being killed and girls being kidnapped and raped. My own Cousin was kidnapped a month or so back, and lets just say it was a horrible month, not knowing if he was going to come back alive or not. Alhamdulilah they let him go after a month. Anyway, he was over with his wife a few days back and he told us some pretty scary stuff. So, this might sound cowardly, but I’m actually slightly hesitant [if not scared] about going.

After that incident, there was a ban on all the guys in our khandaan to stop their late night rendezvous and outings, so basically I was just thinking, if the guys aren’t allowed out so much, the girls won’t be either. So we won’t be having THAT much fun apparently.

Aside from karachi issues… i got… a job offer! SIGH. It’s a good position, they’re okay about me doing hijab/niqab, its an ok-ay environment and its related to the field I’m planning to go into. Mainly Media and Journalism.

But I’m hesitant and nervous. I’ve never worked before and I’m going to admit, I think I lack confidence. I can easily be trodden over and I get shy. A lot. They’re two types of being shy, the one where you are shy, have haya, for the sake of Allah and the other where you’re shy of people. I think I have the latter in huge amounts. I’ve never been a people person much. I have stage fright, I suck at giving presentations and I like to keep to myself and close friends and loved ones.

It’s true, I live in my own bubble. I rarely go into mixed environments because I’ve taken a year and a half-off from University, my days consist of learning and memorising Qurán, Internet, meeting my friends who are all practicing, going for Islamic lectures and writing articles for the organisations I work for. Subconciously, I probably don’t and don’t want to to venture into the big bad world. But, you got to do, what you got to do right?

A part of me has always wanted to be out there, doing something. And, not the feminist sort, career oriented person. [Although to an extent there is nothing wrong with it], But because I know I have certain talents which I don’t want to go to waste and If I can use them to help better the Ummah, to make a difference, why not?

And then… I had a thought. Is it actually so necessary for me to work? My family is going to provide for me till the day I get married, do I fit the position of the Women who are allowed to work according to Shariah? While on the other hand I really do want to work and my Parents don’t have an issue with it.

I think if they weren’t cool about me covering my face, I would still not have done it, but they are [Although I'm not strict about Niqaab infront of cousins, I wear out] and the person who contacted me for the position is also pretty religious himself. [Although these don't answer the above questions... gah]. It’s hard finding work with Hijab/Abaya/Niqaab sometimes and I spoke to a few Women who are working and do strict pardah and they said if this Job is walking upto you itself, you shouldn’t let it go to waste.

Khair, all they require is good English apparently. I sent in my CV, got a call today and I need to answer some questions before I get called for an interview. I spoke to the person who contacted me for it, [It's the same guy I'm writing for] and he said all they need is good English… and apparently considering I have an English accent, I’ll get in easy.

Which led me to a thought, why is our society so in awe of the West? What should an accent matter? Why are people so highly thought off if they have an American/British accent? I mean, what if I didn’t have an American or British accent? What about all my other qualities? They are looking at my written work though but still, I know a lot of people who get in other organisations because they look and speak good.

Anotehr thing was, I need to balance Qurán and this if I get accepted. I go for Qurán eveyrday in the morning from 8 to 1PM and work timings would be from 7:30am to 2:30pm. And this was making me go crazy, i can do this as a correspondance course at home, but it wont be the same as I wont have the pressure of giving a test everyday. Sucks right?

On top, I’m also coming down with a stupid dreaded SORE THROAT.

Sigh, it felt good letting all that out. And in the end, no matter how much I try, I’m still not grateful enough for what I have, I’m sure there are people worse than me.

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