Complaints

I’ve realised I come here to blog mostly when I’m either going through stressful problems or in the mood to write little fictional/not-so-fictional pretty extracts. But, in my defense, I usually do go through normal phases of life too.

I’m so stressed out with everything right now. I have to make so many decision and I really hope that the decisions I make are the right ones. Sometimes, your life is so stable, steady and easy while at other times its a wild jungle.

I don’t know what’s happening about going to Karachi, we can’t find seats because all the flights are jam packed but my Cousin who is currently in Canada knows someone and is trying to get them done. I don’t know how he, living all the way there is going to do it, but I guess I’ll have to trust him because he is known to be resourceful. We’re going to be having a little re-union this Eid I think, considering all my aunts and uncles from Canada are also going to be coming, it’ll be fun, spending Eid together with the Cousins.

But I’m stressed [again] about going, finding seats back on time are going to be a hassle, I can only stay till 16-17th of december max because I need to be back and we can’t find seats later then the 20th. And then I’m also tempted to stay longer because my Mom and Sisters are planning to stay till the 25th of december. Gah. My neice and nephew and sister will be coming down from Isloo if we decide to go this Eid, and lets just I’m really longing to see them.

Not to mention, the current ‘halaat’ about Karachi, we keep on hearing things about people being killed and girls being kidnapped and raped. My own Cousin was kidnapped a month or so back, and lets just say it was a horrible month, not knowing if he was going to come back alive or not. Alhamdulilah they let him go after a month. Anyway, he was over with his wife a few days back and he told us some pretty scary stuff. So, this might sound cowardly, but I’m actually slightly hesitant [if not scared] about going.

After that incident, there was a ban on all the guys in our khandaan to stop their late night rendezvous and outings, so basically I was just thinking, if the guys aren’t allowed out so much, the girls won’t be either. So we won’t be having THAT much fun apparently.

Aside from karachi issues… i got… a job offer! SIGH. It’s a good position, they’re okay about me doing hijab/niqab, its an ok-ay environment and its related to the field I’m planning to go into. Mainly Media and Journalism.

But I’m hesitant and nervous. I’ve never worked before and I’m going to admit, I think I lack confidence. I can easily be trodden over and I get shy. A lot. They’re two types of being shy, the one where you are shy, have haya, for the sake of Allah and the other where you’re shy of people. I think I have the latter in huge amounts. I’ve never been a people person much. I have stage fright, I suck at giving presentations and I like to keep to myself and close friends and loved ones.

It’s true, I live in my own bubble. I rarely go into mixed environments because I’ve taken a year and a half-off from University, my days consist of learning and memorising Qurán, Internet, meeting my friends who are all practicing, going for Islamic lectures and writing articles for the organisations I work for. Subconciously, I probably don’t and don’t want to to venture into the big bad world. But, you got to do, what you got to do right?

A part of me has always wanted to be out there, doing something. And, not the feminist sort, career oriented person. [Although to an extent there is nothing wrong with it], But because I know I have certain talents which I don’t want to go to waste and If I can use them to help better the Ummah, to make a difference, why not?

And then… I had a thought. Is it actually so necessary for me to work? My family is going to provide for me till the day I get married, do I fit the position of the Women who are allowed to work according to Shariah? While on the other hand I really do want to work and my Parents don’t have an issue with it.

I think if they weren’t cool about me covering my face, I would still not have done it, but they are [Although I'm not strict about Niqaab infront of cousins, I wear out] and the person who contacted me for the position is also pretty religious himself. [Although these don't answer the above questions... gah]. It’s hard finding work with Hijab/Abaya/Niqaab sometimes and I spoke to a few Women who are working and do strict pardah and they said if this Job is walking upto you itself, you shouldn’t let it go to waste.

Khair, all they require is good English apparently. I sent in my CV, got a call today and I need to answer some questions before I get called for an interview. I spoke to the person who contacted me for it, [It's the same guy I'm writing for] and he said all they need is good English… and apparently considering I have an English accent, I’ll get in easy.

Which led me to a thought, why is our society so in awe of the West? What should an accent matter? Why are people so highly thought off if they have an American/British accent? I mean, what if I didn’t have an American or British accent? What about all my other qualities? They are looking at my written work though but still, I know a lot of people who get in other organisations because they look and speak good.

Anotehr thing was, I need to balance Qurán and this if I get accepted. I go for Qurán eveyrday in the morning from 8 to 1PM and work timings would be from 7:30am to 2:30pm. And this was making me go crazy, i can do this as a correspondance course at home, but it wont be the same as I wont have the pressure of giving a test everyday. Sucks right?

On top, I’m also coming down with a stupid dreaded SORE THROAT.

Sigh, it felt good letting all that out. And in the end, no matter how much I try, I’m still not grateful enough for what I have, I’m sure there are people worse than me.